It’s been quite a rough coupla months. A lot of things are changing all at once as usual. The good times were good while it lasted nonetheless of course. I still use similar coping methods, except I think I’m getting faster with finding better or just new ones. I still write, read, sing to myself, listen to and play music, sweat it out via workout, dancing, moshing or whatever, eat, work, do the things I need to do and keep busy. I think they’re common coping methods and simply because they’re good and they work. But these methods really also go hand in hand with your techniques in using them. Most of them you have to do in moderation, like eating; You can’t just eat as much as you want whenever you want without exercise. It defeats the purpose of doing these things. The goal is to cope, not have more to cope with. Like I’m really glad I quit smoking because it seemed like it provided relief, was great and helping me, but really it made it harder for me. It sucked out my immune system, overall health and my damn money. Am not implying anything to anyone out there. It was just something I did. It really depends how you look at it. Like right now, I’m also buying shit I don’t need like shoes, clothes and cds. But hell, sometimes you just can’t deal with it in other ways and this is the only way you know how and you need to deal with it and you need to deal with it fast before you “kill yourself” or whatever mad shit you tend to think. I used to think the same way about smoking. It just “works”. The point is, only you truly know good and bad. No one else can tell you. No matter what, to cope, you just have to find what works for you.

Recently, I found comfort in being in the kitchen more. I didn’t particularly like cooking before, but am slowly gaining interest now. I just love to make salads and drinks and bake sometimes. I guess I’m a bit experimental in the kitchen and still am. So I don’t know, maybe I should do more experiments and record my observations here? Seems like a good release for me to have other things to write about than emotions or mental shit.

So..

Happy Food Experiment #1 - Honey Wings & Mango Smoothie

Honey Wings

• Marinate wings with honey overnight
• Preheat oven and bake (150º for 30-45 mins)
• Use thai chilli sauce as dip

Mango Smoothie:

• 1 mango
• 200ml of milk
• 8 ice cubes
• Dash of anything vanilla
• Dash of ground cardamom* (Spices up the drink and invigorates you!)
• Blend everything

* The “booby traps” usually found in Nasi Briyani, Ayam Merah or curries. Greenish pods of seeds.

You know you’re lost when you’re so right and so wrong at the same time. But that’s one of the best times to find yourself too. You traded your self for knowledge of life which is endless, infinite (∞). You figured that out. Except that in doing that, “the self” emerged. And it isn’t immortal; It is confined within the body that changes, grows old and worn, and sooner or later dies. You are frustrated with this. But if you learn to work with it, it can also free you. No matter what you choose, the self is like a power, co-dependent, all interconnected - “Power imagines a world, a universe in its own making, and then tries to construct it, to create an ultimate power. Its nature is delusion and madness.” Except power runs out. Yours is going short, whether you realise it or not. You can use all that’s left to blow up and hope you make a fire and die doing it. OR. You can find a new power source and have more time, more chances of making fires. The new power source lies in loving yourself. It sounds simple, but I know it’s not. Perhaps we can’t see the beauty on the other side and not have enough will to trust. It can seem impossible. Nonetheless, it all just comes down to.. which is more infinite to you?

Love or hate me enough to stay. Just stay to do something you’ve never done and love yourself. We don’t have to make sense of everything. In fact, we can’t. It is the myth of the 100%. So when you speak of your desired all or nothing, don’t you see why I think it’s mad? You leave me but a broken heart on top of the numerous mounds of broken hearts in this world. Lets mend these hearts. Lets mend yours.

Job. That’s been on my mind a lot the past few months. Not because it’s something I’m supposed to do at this point of my life, but because maybe it’s time that I move away from the many jobs I do have. They’re getting increasingly ineffective and unfulfilling.

Since I do a lot of freelance, part time and ad hoc jobs (hence the odd job worker title I’ve claimed for myself), I have to constantly be on the lookout for job opportunities to ensure that I have enough money to provide for my basic needs and expenses. All these types of jobs give me time flexibility, and since I have a rubber time issue, they were perfect for me for about 6 years or so.. until now.

I can no longer keep up with the extremely erratic lifestyle that comes with them. Maybe I’m getting old. Whatever. It’s just too tiring, especially when my overall health is in the poor state its in. Sick = don’t go to work = no/less money = difficult to survive = pay for medical bills = even more difficult to survive = depressed on top of existing depression = more medical bills = FEEL helpless and everything and everyone around me gets affected = commit suicide. Well, I hope the last one just stays as a thought at the very most.

Also, I’m not looking for that “fulfilling job I love”, although it’d be nice to have, but something I can excel in and that can open more doors for me. Simply said, the many jobs plan I was so sure wouldn’t be that “dead-end job” has become the dead-end job. I’m stuck until I find a new job.

Just one job. It has gotten me to thinking about my niche. I think everyone has a niche. We just find them in different ways and time. I had been searching mine in many places and for a very long time. Music? Love it so much, but not very good at making it, so shall stay as a hobby. Teaching? Did it before, gave it a lot of thought, but decided it was a bit off-mark for me. Counselling? Social Work? Options I’ve dreamt of and still very open to. But writing. I don’t think I’m a good writer. I think I’m an alright writer. In any case, writing just feels so natural to me. And right now, I should, want to and will pursue it. And in retrospect, thinking about the push to write more from people who’ve read my writings, having the zylosdeeb blog until now, furthering my studies in Mass Communications because I loved the English language and not wanting to do anything else, I may have had my niche for a long time but just hadn’t realise it.

This could or couldn’t be my niche, but I’m very pleased with this decision anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.

But looking for a job now, I have to set a little criteria. I’m still fine with the whole “I don’t mind working, even if I work like a fucking dog and it pays me peanuts, as long as it pays” attitude, but only if it actually PAYS. So, here it is: 1) Regular-timed working hours. 2) Pays better than all the jobs I’ve had. 3) Doesn’t care too much about my appearance. That’s it. I think it’s very reasonable.

So.. money problems. Digging into the money I had saved up to buy myself a new pair of boots to replace my worn-out ones. I need to make more money before that money runs out. Really need to stretch that money a little more as well. Can’t be buying unnecessary things anymore which I’ve been doing for short-term relief or aid from all this stress. It’s really difficult as well when both people in the relationship are facing the same problem. I think Sam and I deal with it relatively alright. The way we deal with it could be better or worse, but accepting it is best so we won’t have another problem to think about I guess. Have some problems with work but really need to suck it up for now. And perhaps I’ve been an odd-job worker for too long. Maybe my methods of and around work are just not as effective as I want them to be. I know this is not something I can think about right now, but this is a major problem for me and I need find my way around it as soon as I have the time to. I do want and try to see this all more positively, but I need to let out this stress by writing here.. as I usually do. These hard times.. sigh.

BUT my sister’s friend taught us both one of her techniques of dealing with life and although it may not sound fancy, new, original or whatever, it is effective and I really want to share it with you.

Wake up every morning and think of 5 things that you are thankful for in life.

Sounds simple ay? It diverts our focus to the more positive things in our lives. And while some may think that it is blind optimism, I see it as a useful and complex tool just as much skepticism. We don’t see things as they are; We see things as we are. So, no point really adding existentialism complexes to this complex, although it happens. Sometimes you just NEED the positive energy and this is just one of the sources. This has worked for me thus far. I found that I strive for “objectivity” most of the time and I have to look for positivity to balance the negativity that comes with that aim. Sooo.. 5 things I’m thankful for in life now are: -

• Family
• Friends
• Health
• Music
• Technology

Another food for thought from D:  “We can make a difference in our lives, but our lives cannot make a difference to life.”

Guess most of us would find it hard to believe that, but a big part of us can’t help but to think it’s true as well.

In some ways, it seems that you are one of the most under appreciated people in the world. But maybe that’s just the way it’s supposed to be and that it’s not such a bad thing. You see a lot of things and now you need to see all the wonderful reasons to love yourself. They’re there. Just find them. And you don’t have to do it alone. You have me. No matter who, what, where, when, why and how, have faith that there’s someone for everyone. You just have to do it. Take the leap. Discover the newer life you long to have. You are awesome and special to me. You are incredibly brave to be you, to be different. It is your greatest accomplishment. And it is my inspiration. So thank you very much.

Love,

Your Friend